Back to the Beginning
Once upon a time I assumed that happiness was my birthright. Boy, was I wrong. After years of distorting one of life’s most profound ideals, I now see that entitlement can’t generate joy. This precious state of mind must be nurtured through principles like courage, honesty, and resilience.
A childhood stained by perfectionism, bullying, and rejection drove me to envy and resent my peers. As I contrasted their outward appearances to my inner turmoil, I concluded that I had been cheated by the Universe. If I was encouraged, praised and consoled like them, I’d be just as confident, popular, and secure. Sadly, I embraced my victim’s mentality well into adulthood, to a point where even I became sickened by the stench.
20/20 Hindsight
This revelation came as a shocker, but chronic self-pity typically trashes both hope and clarity of mind. In my case it tangled my thoughts and feelings so completely that happiness became inconceivable. Looking back, it’s obvious that I’ve lived much of life in a mental prison. Ironically, throughout the years that I was doing self-imposed “hard time,” I was concurrently plotting my escape. At last, I concocted the perfect plan: I needed a miracle!
I was clueless about how my plan would unfold, but I envisioned some delightful options. The woman of my dreams would ask to join me for coffee at Starbucks. The lottery secretary would methodically turn over all six of my Powerball numbers. Warren Buffet would call to say that he “found my resume on LinkedIn” and wanted to talk. Anything but self-inspection.
You Poor Thing!
In my mind logic holds a razor thin margin over imagination. Thank God. Any shift in the numbers and my chances for psychiatric hospitalization skyrocket. Doc, it was the strangest thing. I was holding my breath, waiting for Mister Buffet to call when the room suddenly started spinning… Unfortunately, diagnosing my absurdity failed to improve my outlook; I remained convinced that happiness is just a cruel mirage.
Oh, Really?
The nemesis of self-manipulation is truth, and it strikes like a Mike Tyson uppercut. When my dumpster fire of a life forced me to face truth, I began to see how lost I was. I started to see that confusion and gloom weren’t just transient states of mind; they’d become my defining characteristics.
I nitpicked reasons to feel hurt or annoyed. I was never truly grateful. I catastrophized throughout the best of days and selfishly prioritized my needs over everyone and everything else. Ouch!!
Alas, truth was just getting warmed up. While reviewing my efforts to find fulfillment (earning my college degree, cultivating romance), truth demonstrated how predictably I sabotaged myself.
It’s Getting Ugly
Among the answers truth demanded:
- Was I setting realistic goals or defining how these objectives aligned with my values, needs and strengths? Absolutely not. The time required for that would have delayed the gratification I expected…duh.
- Did I ever ask for help when I was struggling? Well, no-my independent nature (Ok-fine, my arrogance and vanity) wouldn’t permit me to.
- Did I quit at the first sign of trouble? Did I promptly convince myself that my goal “was never that important in the first place?” Did I inadvertently rekindle regrets and guilt for having quit too soon? How about resentments toward anyone who had achieved what I wanted because they “stuck it out?” Damned right I did!
Contemplation
Despite its allure, sometimes autonomy just won’t cut it. I needed help and plenty of it. Thankfully, I received help from those who had overcome their own demons and were now willing to help exorcise mine.
One of these individuals introduced me to an enlightening book, The Road Less Traveled, by Dr. Scott Peck. From this, I discovered the powerful correlation between early-age dysfunction, diminished self-worth, and questionable decision-making abilities. Alas, Dr. Peck’s work was helping me to understand why I had for so long felt stuck in anger and sadness. I was well acquainted with the suggestion “Grow up,” but now I was learning why I found it so hard!
Into Action
I was sold on the need for change, but I realized that I’d never get there by reading a book. I could no more philosophize my way to contentment than I could become wealthy by staring at a bank. If I wanted to enjoy life, I’d have to revamp the thought patterns which were holding me back.
Thankfully, those who guided me did so within a specific paradigm: the 12-Steps of recovery. While this introspective journey often exposed me to the pains of emotional growth, it was transformative. It gave me hope.
Specifically, I investigated areas where I was sensitive to perceived threats. This included self-esteem; emotional, financial, and physical security; and sexual relations. Armed with this knowledge, I examined how these perceptions guided my behaviors.
Judgmentalism, passive-aggression, self-manipulation, greed, vengeance and gluttony were just some of the responses I linked to my fears. Learning that I had the power to break this cycle was a turning point. Finally, after 40+ years, my prison sentence was commuted. I was free.
Reflections
Today, I agree that “happiness is a choice,” but I also know that there’s a catch: It takes work. It requires consistent maintenance of my thoughts and emotions, as well as occasional realignment of my perceptions. While popular culture suggests that joy rests predominantly in “positive psychology,” I argue that this notion is flawed.
Sure, there are times I can drive away negativity by conjuring happier thoughts. If, however, I’m using this same tactic to suppress and avoid fears, I’m in trouble. Even a new brand of self-manipulation can ship me back to the same old cell.
Bottom Line: I thrive when I’m being honest with myself, when I’m living in reality. When I’m practicing the skills that keep me there-meditation, journaling, mindfulness-I think clearly. I behave in ways that promote my self-worth and confidence. And even in times when I’ve been knocked flat on my butt, honesty still holds its value. It allows me to assess and adjust; to contain the severity and duration of my suffering; to learn lessons about life.
Lastly, this paradigm has enabled me to maintain my spirit far beyond daily stressors and the occasional Uh-oh’s. It’s empowered me to transcend life-threatening illness, financial calamity, and death of a parent. Who knew ??
References
Image by Pexels from Pixabay
Peck, M.S., (1978). The Road Less Traveled. New York, NY: Touchstone